Black is Back

Black Friday. Those words have terrible connotations historically. The Fisk-Gould scandal in 1869, a day of devastating bush fires in Australia in 1939, and loads of massacres and protests and plenty of violence all happened on days subsequently dubbed Black Friday. And yet, Americans have decided the Friday after Thanksgiving should be called Black Friday! No wonder Wal Mart looks as if a plague of locusts invaded each and every store leaving nothing behind but a few Party Off  The Pounds DVDs by Richard Simmons and a lone 2-litre bottle of diet Mountain Dew.

I have joined in the Black Friday melee once. One single lapse of sanity that forever convinced me  shopping is a very bad thing, and can cause detrimental harm to my psyche. Not to mention serious injury to any protruding body parts. Armed with shopping trolleys and prams (that would be buggy, and buggy in the US of A) shoppers enter the store with crazed looks only previously seen in Victorian era psychiatric treatment facilities and Jack Nicholson films.  Sometimes multiple members of one family come in together with a flank of trolleys making it impossible to break their ranks. When you see a triple threat, it is best to duck and cover. Trust me.

The  electronics section is the scariest place to be on Black Friday at Wal Mart or any other large big box store. These mega-chains of capitalistic glee stock a single 300 inch Plasma, wide screen, stereo sound, Hi Def, Blue Ray compatible TV with mini-bar and barbecue pit for the low, low cost of $99. Every single person in America wants one. THE one. And they have been lining up  in the drizzling cold rain since well before their turkey and dressing have fully digested. And thanks to Wal Mart's increasingly early opening times, that turkey and dressing made for one weird breakfast.

That single TV is snatched up quickly by some lucky octogenarian who was simply waiting for his lovely spouse to make a purchase, and who has no clue how to even master powering said TV on, much less how to make it sync to Face Book or the interwebs. He sees the wave of trolleys coming straight at him, has flashbacks from Normandy and goes into automatic fight or flight.  And where mere weeks ago, this ancient symbol of all that is right and good about our nation was honoured and adored for his military service on Veterans Day, today he has made a store full of enemies. Quickly he hops on his store issued electric scooter cart with his behemoth of technological advances and makes his escape through the yarn aisle. Yarn shoppers are a serious, yet smaller band of crafty brothers.

Last year our TV died an untimely and premature death within mere hours of the holiest of holy days in my humble abode. South Carolina was about to take on Clemson University in THE state rival football game of the year. My sister and her husband were with us to watch John lose what little sanity he had remaining..ahem, I mean they were with us to enjoy watching said football game. We had just put the chili on, and were hunkered down for a long day of  frenzied football fun. And then it happened. Our TV suffered the black screen of death. I will spare you the details of just how pitiful my sister and husband were as it occurred to them  they may have to resort to listening to Todd "the God" Ellis   covering the game on the radio, but I can assure you it was not pretty.

We realised pretty quickly if I were to survive the next four-six hours, a replacement TV would have to be procured. On the Saturday following Black Friday. I was encouraged at the lack of cars in the parking lot. It was absolutely empty! I am not sure but I think I saw a tumble weed or two floating through that  concrete desert. When we entered the store, we understood why the parking lot was so desolate. The store had been stripped clean.  The few employees still standing without the help of crutches and walkers had the stunned vacant look of those who have witnessed something truly awful. We stepped over discarded clothing and LOW PRICES signs and made our way back to electronics.

Shelf after shelf was empty. Our choices were a Hello Kitty 19 inch or a $1400 model that would put our child's college dreams in jeopardy. I could see tears welling up in John's eyes as his hopes of seeing his beloved Gamecocks were slipping away. Suddenly, he took off for the cake decorating section. Either he had totally gone off the deep end, or he had a sudden and irresistible urge to ice a cake. I needed to get out of this place. Wait! John comes back bearing TWO TVs in his shopping cart! Someone had hidden them between the Wilton Winnie-the-Pooh cake pans and Precious Moments wedding cake toppers. SCORE! Football was saved.

We chose the cheaper of the two options, and left with our purchase vowing to never, ever, ever return to a big box store on or near Black Friday. Thanks to advances in technology, I will stick to Cyber Monday!