I am not the sort of person who generally complains about gifts. I genuinely appreciate the thought and love behind the gift, even if the gift is not exactly what I have always dreamt of receiving. The problem, it seems, is that thought doesn't always enter into the universal gift -giving equation. I think folks get into the trap of feeling as if they have to buy a gift out of some obligation.
I have had my share of bad gifts. My all-time worst gift was the result of a toxic mix of a terrible giver, a terrible venue, and a complete lack of sensitivity and decorum. A former mother-in-law of mine (and I have had many, so relative anonymity should not be a problem here) gave me - with great fanfare mind you - some underpants. And no, panties is not the word I meant to use. Panties are small, delicate items of an intimate nature often embellished with lace and pearls. Granny panties are not as voluminous and billowing as these things were. These were German prison matron issue stark white cotton briefs with a thick elastic band designed to keep those drawers in place during the most rigorous calisthenics. In front of a predominately male audience, I was given these enormous parachutes in disguise. Add a propane tank and a basket and we could have all flown the friendly skies. To make matters worse, she said in a volume not unlike what is used at the Superdome "I didn't know what size to get you, so I held them up against me and then got one size bigger." Folks, unless your mother-in-law is Twiggy, she should absolutely refrain from such behaviour. This woman had, um....let's say a rather broad underpinning. In no way was this a compliment that these tents in disguise would cover her......assets. And then to get a size bigger! ARGH! Needless to say, I did not wear said undergarments, but I found they made really great dust cloths. And that would be plural.
Another bad gift I received was a re-gift. I'm sure it was at a work party or similar where you are "encouraged" to bring a gift that will dazzle the recipient and ensure a good raise the following year all for under $10. Re-gifting is rampant in these situations; even expected. I opened a lovely blown glass tree ornament in an elegantly wrapped gold box. Cool! Except there was absolutely no attempt to disguise the Clearance! 70% off tag or the Merry Christmas Steve gift tag still stuck to the paper. I could recover somewhat graciously from that moment, but the ornament was broken. That particular gift giver could have given my his used paper plate from said party and it would have had the same effect. Bah Humbug.
My Dad received sock sorters one year from his mother-in-law. I have no idea what he did to upset or disappoint her, but sock sorters are not the kind of gift one gives a person they love and cherish. Sock sorters were the eighties version of the Snuggie or Sham WOW! These made for TV gems were constructed out of plastic and would aid in keeping one's socks from disappearing in the wash. They were even colour coordinated so each member of the family could keep their socks together and identified. I frankly think this causes a sense of isolation and cliquishness not often seen in the sock world. Sock sorters are an okay gift from perhaps a completely clueless but desperate co-worker needing to find affordable options for the quazillion folks they have to deal with each day. Sock sorters are not the sort of gift one would expect from a loved one. In fairness, the gifts he received from her did improve over the years. In fact, I am not sure, but I think the following year he received a set of Ginsu knives.
I have a perverse love of some gifts that are traditionally loathed and used as punch lines on late night TV. I would not actually gift these myself, but I happen to like them. I love Hickory Farms gift boxes. I adore the summer sausage and sweet-hot mustard. I have watched way to many SNL sketches to actually give one, but I love them. I think the entire As Seen On TV store is a veritable wonderland of awesomeness. And Snuggies are just the tip of the iceberg. I would seriously love to be a product tester for their stores. I love those elaborately wrapped kitchy gift towers; the taller the better. Who wouldn't want a tower of candy or nuts? I love socks. Socks continually get the thumbs-down from folks. I think socks are completely underrated. And finally, what is better than fruit/coffee/tea/socks/wine/book/plant of the month clubs? I think it would be awesome to get a gift each and every single month.
I do understand why folks give more gift cards than any other gift at Christmas. They avoid the embarrassment and awkwardness of a truly bad gift. I just hope someone decides to risk the humiliation and let Hickory Farms tell me I am loved with their smoked cheddar and spicy sausage goodness.
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